Smiling broadly, I get out of my shiny, black sports car and walk into the building beaming, almost skipping. Lotte immediately gets up to make tea, and it is clear to her at a glance that the meeting went well. She now knows me inside and out. Wow, how lucky I am to have her, such a warm and thoughtful woman, so different from me. In between work, she holds up a mirror to my pure intuition, which is sometimes obscured in all business.
Funny actually, the translation of business is exactly what it is: “busyness”. …Oh well, let me make my own version of it: “get busy”.
Hihi, I can have those wonderful jokes. I even remember that from when I was really little, when I always cheered everyone up. A ray of sunshine came in everywhere. That was a long time ago, 'Amy van Daalen, the smiley face'. I can still hear my second grade school teacher saying it. She always drew a smiling face under the numbers on my report card.
I have now opened my laptop and am sitting at my regular workplace, without the expectation of doing anything in the next hour. Lotte is held up in the hall by an employee. I'm curious about her opinion. First ask how she perceives my experience and what her feelings are about it. She doesn't actually think it's work, those kinds of conversations, but I see it that way. Her opinion contributes to my vision of the business. Lotte is truly multi-disciplined and can be deployed anywhere: her job is actually keeping the administration, and she also answers the most diverse questions from employees when I am not there. While she is doing the administration, a kind of parallel line apparently runs through her brain at the same time, with which she unknowingly scans all business processes and monitors them remotely and reports them back to me. She really is such a silent force, originally an accountant and extremely accurate, never in the foreground. Wonderful that there are such beautiful people in the world who are devoted and can be trusted unconditionally. I'm enjoying the moment, even though I'm in the middle of one of the most difficult decisions of my life...
Quite a lot has happened too. The last five, no, seven years have been hectic. Hectic, with an emphasis on the emotional rollercoaster that it was. Or actually it is, because now I'm going to make a radically different choice. Ouch! Just the thought of it makes such a huge butterfly frolic in my stomach that it gives me a kind of cramp of happiness and pain at the same time. It is also very exciting. The last doubt has disappeared with the opportunistic enthusiasm to choose myself. 'Myself' represents my own pure self, my soul, my true self. Not that I know it yet, but this is the first step on the path towards it. The first step has been taken: I'm on my way! Woohoo!
Lotte comes in with the tea. 'Just switch back, girl,' I think to myself, I rearrange myself in my seat and wipe the grin off my face. Before she can put the tea down, the phone rings. It is the accountant with whom she gets into a long conversation. My thoughts wander in the meantime. My true self, isn't that me at every moment? Who am I originally, what is the added value of, or perhaps detract from, all events in my life? What influence did my parents, the school I attended and the choices I made afterwards have? Were those my choices, or did I make them under the influence of circumstances and my environment? Of course I have read about past lives and that your soul chooses a body to go through new life lessons. Sodeju, why so much in one life? Has my soul also chosen this? As I think it, it also fills me with joy and pride. “If you were born on a dime, you will never become a quarter.” Well, I do! Haha, that sounds arrogant, but I know better. It was a road to get here. Suffering, pain, sadness, insight, growth... with the result that I now realize even more how insignificant man is and how little it all means. Or, right…?
Because of all the experiences and the constant learning and being constantly alert to the world around me, I now realize more and more that I have fought so hard to get to the point where I am. Bizarrely, I am actually even further away from everything that passed and because of the consciousness it has brought me. Right now I understand that this is just the beginning, because there is still so much to discover in the world.
All the answers awaiting my thousands of questions will never be answered by one person. I have to find those answers myself.
Well, “must, must” ...Yes, actually: it is my journey of discovery through my life, during which I become increasingly aware of all kinds of influences. That's what I call learning. Learning from people, learning from circumstances and learning from situations. Of course also by reading about it again and certainly, how many times a day do I consult the search function in my browser on my smartphone? I am constantly learning, “but…”
And there I am now. The answers I am actually “looking for” are not answers found on Wikipedia. Everything, everyone, us, me... When I really think about it. Then who am I?
There are people around me who want to write another book “so that they leave something behind on this earth”. 'But why?' I always ask. 'Do you, as a simple individual in the few square meters you live on, think that you have made the difference?'
Of course not, we are not all called Barack Obama or Nelson Mandela. But who am I, why am I here and what do I have to do in this world?
If reincarnation exists, what is my lesson, apart from all those developments that came my way? Have they been part of my lesson, or was it just part of life and how it goes? Well, I could go on and on. No one gives the answer.
Or…
Around the age of thirty I discovered my “extra sense”. At first I was curious and did “development courses”, great! I received a photo from a complete stranger and turned out to have all kinds of striking things to say about it. Bizarre. It was true, but where did it come from?
Okay, short conclusion: intuition exists, perhaps there is even much more. I have now discovered that I can use my extra sense extremely accurately for others, employees who are not feeling well, friends who are having a hard time, friends who want to know something about their new date, the neighbor who is worried about her son who hasn't spoken for days.
…Others, others, I look like my mother; always caring for others. Now it's my turn! But what does my intuition say about me? Where is the voice that answers me, where should I look, what is “my path”? So much has happened in my life, what did I not pay attention to or is this part of it? Why does my current life no longer suit me? Everything feels like it doesn't belong to me. Sometimes I slip back into my old life and join in - the English say it very nicely - “ordinary life”. It means “ordinary, or normal”. The Dutch “ordinary” is also a surprisingly apt description for everything old when you continue to grow and the previous one suddenly no longer suits you.
When will the moment come when you realize that and, even more importantly, when will you take the helm instead of drifting with the flow? For many people, this is a confrontation that they do not dare to face, or acknowledge, but do not know where to start due to the influence of family, mortgage and a permanent contract. Things that seem so important, but that could be different tomorrow.
'Oh no!' Lotte roars. The teapot spontaneously burst and the tea spills over the desk. I quickly lift the keyboards and laptops off the work surface and Lotte grabs something with which she can stash the tea. I walk to the toilet and pick the towel from the wall, this should be good enough as a mop. It works, the tide has turned. Back in the now. We look at each other and burst out laughing. Then Lotte walks to the kitchen for new tea.
Here we are. Or actually me. This literally and figuratively feels special; separated from the rest. This big change is my decision and my choice for the future. It is so special, Lotte knows that I am dismantling the entire company here, but her dedication has not diminished for a moment. She understands what I'm going to say. She knows what we have been working on in recent months.
The takeover seemed impossible and was a major challenge. Now I can tell her that it worked.
I just signed all the documents. It seems so unreal. Now that it really is true, I still can't believe it and of course Lotte fully understands that, as she always understands.
She thoughtfully says: 'Let it sink in for the next week and then think about how you will take it outside. The people here really know nothing and it should remain that way, you have already made that decision before. You don't have to go back to that now, because it is not a choice. Take the time to realize where you are now before you start talking to others about it.'
As always she is right, she always gives the right answer at the right time.
'You're right! Of course you're right,' I answer her and I let the friction between reason and emotion fade away with a few deep belly breaths.
A flame awakens in me. Something glows that wants to go, a bonfire ignites. Now that I've shared it, it's starting to sink in. It is real!
I would rather shout it from the rooftops: 'Look, I did it, dared, chose for myself!'
'Blieb-bleb.' A message. Bruno: 'And??'
Gosh, he's so thoughtful. I answer: 'Fixed ; )'
He sends back clapping hands. Wonderful, so few words are enough for us.
What a relief this feels, no matter how proud I was of my leading media company, only now do I realize what a burden it was for me. I don't know where to go now, everything is open, everything is free.
At the same time I realize how precious my dear friends are and how blessed I am to have them. Real friends. Far too often life passes in a rush, I am busy with daily things and we have no contact for weeks. Until necessary. Like now, so simple. Simply an app with one word. That's it. That's the spirit!
That's what I have to hold on to: being where you need to be at the right time. Whether it is physical or mental. That one message makes the difference. For me, for others.
Did I just say 'blessed'? Haha, I have not seen the inside of the church since my youth and I am now aware of the existence of a large energetic field that surrounds us and that I call the universe. It must exist, because otherwise how do I get those inspirations for others?
I realize that I have actually been to church several times to say goodbye to family or friends. I don't hate the church, on the contrary, I love the beautiful traditions and I recognize the smell of incense from afar. That sounds like “baby Jesus” again. Haha. No, I'm not laughing at Jesus. A beautiful story. The very first version is probably based on a very beautiful truth and has been rewritten by all faiths over the years and thus shaped into the story it is today. Evolution on all fronts. Extreme, (the word extremism actually says it all) that some beliefs take it so far. Then I don't even think of Muslim fundamentalists but actually, quite normally, of some movements here in our country. What do these people hang their lives on? About a book that was once adapted to their wishes by different people? What was the power of those writers that they manipulated the text in their own way? If we could jump forward in a time machine, how would we look back in two hundred or a thousand years? Were the current world leaders manipulative or did they, for example, soften extremism? How would we see it then?
What is the truth? I am so aware that the information we currently have shapes our opinions. But information keeps changing. What is right, who is right and why? Because someone can substantiate it with the most current, rational arguments? It is precisely those discussions about whether something is true or good, with all the different views that come with it, that lead to disagreement. For example in politics, but especially between faiths. Difficult. Especially when you consider that there are still people here who are guided by the church or the Bible.
Of course my thoughts wander to Nick. Well, Nick. It activates feelings of sadness and anger in me, I immediately release them. It's probably meant to be and the universe has something better in mind for me. Was I his lesson or was he mine? One thing is certain: he has chosen to remain stuck in the dogmatic life in which he has literally and figuratively grown and, under its influence, has lost his true courageous self. Stuck in his own history, not keeping up with the real world we now live in, no matter how contradictory that may seem to his other capabilities. A typical example of someone who wanders within a fixed pattern and does not dare to make big decisions from that position. The world is a continuously evaluating situation that requires continued growth in all areas. Some people remain stuck in the old and anxiously cling to what is, instead of trusting what is to come. Then there is only the threat of what you leave behind or lose, instead of enjoying the new history that you can still make. Love is the core of our existence, it doesn't matter what happens to you if you are enveloped in real love. When you do not feel that love, the fear of the past increases. What then is faith worth? What a contrast to my leap of faith! I live by my motto: “Let go of what no longer suffices, so that space is created for something better.” 'Thank God,' I say out loud, laughing at myself; hihi, “Thank God” applies very literally here.
Lotte comes back in. She had walked away just as my phone beeped.
"Do you mind if I leave you alone?" I ask her. Her face smiles, I read her thoughts. Of course, she's right again! How often is she alone? In fact, most of the time she works. She actually likes that, because then she can continue for a while. “Continue” what a word, for me everything has come to a standstill now. Just a few more weeks and then my new life has begun.
'Then I'll change clothes at home and go into the woods to calm the storm of thoughts in my head.
Tomorrow we'll start fresh and make a plan for the next few weeks. If you want to contribute ideas, I would be very happy with that.' Lotte nods in agreement: 'It seems to me that you would do well with that.' In the meantime I grabbed my bag and closed the door. Rest, away, finally. I have chosen!
It is chilly, but after the first kilometer the weak winter sun penetrates through my sportswear and onto my skin. Fine. I had decided not to walk “at pace” for once, but to stroll around. Simply don't have to do anything for a while. Enjoying the music on my ears and letting what comes come, after the events of recent times.
Actually, not much comes to mind. The negotiations for this takeover took months, everything has been discussed, everything has been sorted out. Annoyance and frustration passed and joy appeared when the lawyer called me that agreement had finally been reached on those last few descriptions. The signature is now there. It is real!
I never dared to dream this. It has been such an exciting and intensive time that I have not had the opportunity to think about the time now coming for months. Let alone reconnect with my intuition and hear what “everyone up there” had to say to me.
Yes, “everyone up there”. My parents, many family and my dearest friends. What could be the point of them disappearing from my life so early? There is no such thing as coincidence, everything has a reason.
I search the voids in my head with my thoughts and try to listen to what the universe has to say to me about it. Right now, stripped of all the chains that held me in my old corporate pattern and everything that came with it, I am free. Free to listen to what the universe has in mind for me and free to find my path. The favorite song of my best buddy, who is also up there, starts on my earphones. Another proof that there is no such thing as coincidence: he is with me. "Thank you," I say softly and pause for a moment. I swallow a few tears. He's with me. He's always there. However, I am often too busy to feel or experience it. This is such a sign. I reprimand myself: 'Pay more attention!' Then I start laughing at my own behavior. I quickly look around to see if no one has seen me, it must be a strange sight: standing still, talking out loud to myself.
I walk along in the cool, soft breeze, wonderful to know that he is walking along and I ask him to put the good thoughts in my head. 'I'm searching, everything old no longer suits me, what now?' At the same time I realize that it is nonsense to ask him, he already knows everything, right? In his capacity it shouldn't be difficult.
On the other hand... it is always said: 'You have to tell your guides what you want, otherwise they cannot help you.' Of course he is not my guide, guides have a different task from the universe. But he is my buddy who knows me inside and out and he was incredibly smart in his earthly life. Added to this all the information from the universe, which is separate from rational thinking here on earth, he must now be much wiser. Wonderful to have this friend. Our friendship never ends, even if it is no longer tangible here. It's so nice to feel that he is with me. Just a few more weeks and then I will have the whole day to be aware of this. I'm so curious to see what kind of insights that will bring! Now I have to make do with a walk in the woods for relaxation. 'Just hold on a little longer, girl,' I say to myself. 'The pot of gold is on the horizon.' "Hihi," my little voice laughs inside. 'That pot gets further away, the closer you get.'
I realize that this could be synonymous with inner growth. It never ends. "The more I learn, the more I know that I don't actually know anything," is a quote from Albert Einstein. That is so true. When I think about how hard I've worked on self-development since I was young, maybe I should say, "Because of my youth." But… “Nothing but good about the dead.” That is also such an obvious saying. People's habits or behavior concern their earthly existence. Once they are “over”, their beautiful, authentic soul remains, without the rational influences of life.
So basically all the souls up there are beautiful entities that only have good intentions for us. I draw the conclusion on the spot. Is this intuition or is it the power of thought? Walking is so wonderful, this is my form of meditation.
My eye falls on a low-hanging, beautifully curved tree branch. I feel for wet resin running along the bark and sit down in the hollow, tilting my head up towards the sun, the warm rays penetrating far into the skin of my cold face.
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